Is that a....Horse ?!

Khajuraho

After saying goodbye to our new friends in Varanasi we boarded another overnight train, however this time it was more sedate affair as Charlotte insisted on traveling in "anything other than Sleeper class" and booked us into the AC3 carriage. This was a totally different experience, mainly because only people with tickets are allowed into the carriage (meaning we weren't likely to see a repeat of the bedlam that preceded our last train trip) but also because along with Flori we appeared to be the only people in the carriage.

The night passed uneventfully enough with the only real excitement being Matt refusing the pay a policeman a 200 rupee "fine" for smoking out the door. Matt provided him with a "frank" response (which we won't repeat here!!) due to the fact that while the policeman was very diligent in his pursuit of foreign law breakers he didn't seem that bothered about all the Indian guys also having a crafty smoke.....funny that. The fine remained unpaid and the next morning we rolled into a place called Khajuraho a town famous for it's temples featuring thousands of erotic carvings depicting scenes from the Kama Sutra (oooh I say !).

The guide book makes some mention of the fact that "some people prefer the nearby laidback town of Orcha to the bustle of Khajuraho", we now realise that this is a euphemism for "everybody in Khajuraho is a money grabbing git who won't give you a minutes peace...". This should have been apparent when we stepped off the train and were mobbed by about 50 shrieking hotel touts desperate to get us to come see their place, but we were tired and we just wanted to get to a hotel so we picked the least mental looking one and went with him.  Then once we settled in with a beer and found ourselves  watching the best sunset we've seen yet things didn't seem so bad

The next morning we got up early to go and check out the temples which allegedly represent the finest examples of Hindu carving anywhere in the world, this is due to the fact that they lay undiscovered (by white people that is) in the jungle for hundreds of years meaning they were safe from the Muslim invaders who defaced and destroyed so many other temples on their rampage

And very impressive they are too ! 

Although when you get up close you start to notice a theme within the carvings

Dirty buggers !

But very skilled nonetheless !

We also learned that Indian women "love" their horses even more than 13 year old middle class English girls - but alas those carvings were too high up the temple to get a decent picture !

After a couple of hours of making sketches and taking notes for future reference we had to curtail our tour as Matt was coming down with a fever...Yes ! that's right, for the first time MATT was properly sick and Charlotte was the one playing nursemaid. So after stumbling back to the hotel, all the way fending off aggressive salesmen, rickshaw touts and precocious money-grabbing children, Matt collapsed for a 24 hour period of vomiting, shivering and sweating....this was a shame because after 6 weeks of traveling together it was time for us to say goodbye to Flori who was heading to Delhi that night. With this in mind and despite the suffering it would cause him Matt managed to muster up the strength to have one last beer with him & Charlotte

As soon as Matt had recovered we decided that we'd had enough of Khajuraho and it's constant plea's for "Money, Money, Moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeyy !!!" so we headed off to the bus station to catch a bus to Orcha....

Orcha


Turns out the bus didn't actually go to Orcha (another example of Indians inability to say "no!!") so instead we had to get it to pull over at the side of the road near the Orcha turn-off where we assured that we could get a rickshaw down to the town. However before doing that we decided that we needed a chai and sat down at the roadside tea stall. As we sat there three things happened 1) a huge bull mounted an unsuspecting cow right in front of us 2) Charlotte completely forget herself and out of nowhere leapt up pointing and shouting "BULL F*CK, BULL F*CK, BULL F*CK !!!" (Charlotte was instantly mortified- the Indians however howled with laughter) and 3) two European looking guys appeared out of nowhere looking lost - and a new euro-love affair was born!!. Our new friends from Bilbao in Spain were called Josu & Roberto and were also going to Orcha so after we finished our chai we all hopped into a rickshaw and headed into town with Matt taking full advantage of the opportunity to talk about football with someone who was actually interested in it as opposed to talking at Charlotte who enjoys it about as much as Matt enjoys chatting about politics / women's rights.

We were immediately a lot happier in Orcha which had a much more "shanti" (Hindi for "chilled out") feel to it.....although this may have been because we weren't constantly surrounded by a baying pack of children & touts...and after some food and some rest we were ready to get down to some serious drinking with our new Spanish friends and also conduct some English / Spanish lessons with the boys (although their English is much better than our Spanish)..

The next day with our hangovers fully intact and Charlotte still murdering the Spanish language at every available opportunity we all rented push bikes and set off to find a nearby river where we had been told you could swim, which in the heat & humidity of the tail end of monsoon sounded like a godsend. The bikes were of questionable quality and Charlotte's weighed about the same as a small hatchback so getting up the hill at the edge of town was our first challenge. Once we had wheezed our way to the top of this obstacle the next task was finding the river which when we eventually did, with the help of some enthusiastic local kids, was worth the effort as the river consisted of numerous large rock-pools all of which we could swim in

 

On our way back into town the monsoon decided to show us that it wasn't quite done yet and the heavens opened meaning that we got wetter than when we'd been swimming and turning Charlotte's top almost see through, giving the already sexually frustrated Indian men that we encountered the thrill of their lives "Oh my god I can see that white woman's BRA !!"

During this time we learned that the boys are amateur film-makers producing short films recording their trip around the world - if you get the chance and you speak a bit of Spanish I strongly recommend you checkout their blog at http://proyectovivi.blogspot.com/ - So we duly offered our services as supporting actors in their next production and lo and behold later that night we were treated to the first screening of Tres Hombres, Una Mujer Y Un Destino (3 men, 1 woman and 1 destiny) which you can see below

That evening we noticed that there were loads of Indians riding around on trucks & rickshaws with HUGE sound systems throwing coloured powder everywhere for Lord Ganesha's birthday (he's the god with an Elephants head) so they were all celebrating....although nobody could tell us how old he was. The celebrations continued well into the next day with the Indians getting more and more crazy until, well take a look.....

The next day we packed our bags again and jumped in a rickshaw to Jhansi with our Spanish friends to catch our train to Agra, home of the Taj Mahal, but not before making Charlotte pose for one last photo with the boys (and a random Indian) in front of our respective football team flags 

Then after saying adios amigos we set out for Agra.....

Up the Ganges without a paddle !

Rishikesh...

After another over night bus journey we stepped off the bus in Rishikesh and for the first time in over 2 weeks we found ourselves both blinking and sweating because THE SUN WAS OUT !!!! cause for celebration indeed !

Set on the banks of the River Ganges Rishikesh is one of Inida's holiest cities. Pilgrims come to bathe in the river to wash away a life time of sins, sadu's (holy men) line the roads and tourists from all over the world come to meditate in the ashrams.

As soon as we arrived Charlotte set about looking for a peaceful ashram whilst Matt and our German friend Flo hired mopeds to hoon around the town and recreate Matt's Mexican biker gang - "the Wolverines"!!! So with Flori - "Flo-rida", " Peter - the "Serbian Beast" and Charlotte - "Miss Daisy" in tow as new recruits Matt (aka "Stretch") was thrilled to be back on two wheels at the head of his reformed gang - all be it on 50cc hair dryer powered scooters.

We spent the following days exploring the area and learning the rules of the road - of which there is only one -  if you're bigger, you go first!! Matt took to Indian roads like a duck to (septic) water. Charlotte was forbidden from driving after her and Matt were overtaken by a man pushing a banana cart.

On our travels we discovered a stunning waterfall...

A beautiful deserted beach where we went everyday to swim in the river...

...and an Ashram. Set amongst shady mango trees on the banks of the Ganges Osho's Ashram looked like just what Charlotte was after so she checked in for a 7 night stay anticipating a relaxing week of meditation by the river. Matt on the other hand looked forward to a week off the leash!!

Charlotte would like to offer some advice to anyone considering staying in an "ashram" - CHECK THE PLACE OUT FIRST!! As after 2 1/2 days of wearing a full length maroon robe and giving the dynamic and kundalini meditation her all i.e. shaking, dancing, waling, crying, sitting, lying and all the while chanting "Osho" "Osho" Osho" Charlotte made the mature decision to run away (the final straw was when they started talking about finding her "sex centre"). After hitching a lift until there was a landslide, clambering over the mud and walking the last 3 km's back to town in the baking sun you will not find it surprising that Charlotte was happier to see Matt than Matt was to see Charlotte!!

This was even truer the next morning when we woke up to discover two had become three - no, not a baby Higgs - but an amoeba, yes that's right, Charlotte had amoebic dysentery! Nice. Two hospital trips and one misdiagnoses later (when did "piles" ever cause anyone to pass out and vomit for 2 days??) and Charlotte was on the road to recovery and as it was our last night this meant only one thing......BEACH PARTY !

The next day we said our goodbyes to Rishikesh and prepared to undertake our first train journey in India during which we would be traveling 12 hours overnight in "sleeper class" to.....


...Varanasi 


The first thing we noticed stepping out of the taxi at the station we were due to catch our sleeper train from was the seething mass of humanity either sleeping, eating or just sitting around, there were literally thousands of people just milling around waiting for trains. The second thing we noticed was that every single one of them must have taken a piss right next to where they were sitting, honestly it was enough to make your eyes water ! Still as we keep reminding ourselves T.I.I - This Is India - and you have to expect these things. So after picking our way through the crowd, locating our train carriage, fighting our way on to it and throwing out the entire Indian family that was sitting on Matts seat we settled in with Flori for the long haul.

The train journey started auspiciously when about 2 mins before departure a wave of people carrying boxes, bags & children surged onto the already crowded train only to find themselves instantly repelled by those already on the train sparking a mini riot which we could thankfully watch from the relative safety of our bunks. However once the train got rolling things calmed down and we were able to grab a few hours sleep....that is until Flo woke Matt up at 07:00 and passed him a glass of "indian wine" (errr...I think you'll find that's whisky & tap water) that some of the locals were passing round and insisting we share. From then on things got distinctly messy with Matt & Flo introducing the Indians to "english wine" (ok it was rum & coke) and then insisting on playing them really loud English music instead of "..that Indian shit you all listen too...". Which meant that by the time we arrived in Varanasi every single Indian had passed out and Matt & Flo were totally hammered, just what Charlotte needed when turning up in one of the craziest cities on the planet !

Somehow we made it to the guest house and after checking in we decided to check out the town. For those who don't know Varanasi is allegedly the oldest continually inhabited city in the world and it is also the place where Hindi's come to die and then have their body burnt and the remains thrown (unceremoniously) into the Ganges. This means that it is a fairly common sight to see stretchers being carried through the narrow alleyways bearing blanket covered bodies on their way to be burnt.  It's hard to describe just how a crazy a place Varanasi is and they say "a picture paints a thousand words" so here are 3000 words....

Varanasi is also famous for scams which we found out the hard way when we were "mugged" for a 300 rupees "charity donation" by a cunning little git, an aghori (these are dark sadu's who cover themselves in ash from the funeral pyres and drink out of human skulls) and a...er...90 year old lady. Still you live and learn.

The next day we met a guy called Sunil who's main occupation seemed to be hanging around outside our guesthouse hustling tourists......however after speaking with him for a while and sharing some chai we realised that we'd been lucky enough to meet one of the only "street hustlers" in Varanasi who was actually just a really nice guy who wanted to show us round his city and didn't want a single thing in return (except for us to buy some weed....so Matt & Flo gallantly took one for the team! ). The first thing he offered to do was to take us to the "Ghats" where the bodies are burned, which sounded interesting, what we didn't know was that he has going to take us to stand 3 feet  from the edge of one of the funeral pyres where we could actually see a human skull & a spine blackening in the flames, however this was nowhere near as disturbing as seeing a dog dragging a smoldering hip bone out of one of the piles of ash....just what you want to see before breakfast. (Fortunately for you we weren't allowed to take pictures up close so you'll have to settle for this one which we took from a boat - you can see a funeral pyre on the right !)

Over the coming days we got to know Sunil and his friends (or the Varanasi Junior Mafia as we called them) and spent a lot of time hanging out with them on various rooftops, riverside Ghats and at numerous local restaurants where Sunil always insisted on paying ! We also met a nice Austrian girl called Fabianna.

We even got taken to see a Bollywood blockbuster called BODYGUARD (click to see the trailer) which was brilliant and made even more enjoyable by the reactions of the audience who were whooping and catcalling all the way through.....this was a bit odd as the loudest shouts came from the men in the audience when the lead male character lost his shirt in a fight ???

On our last night we were taken to an abandoned boat moored off of one of the Ghats where we sat with Flori, Sunil and the rest of the Junior Mafia sharing way too many beers and enjoying some of Sunil's sisters home cooked chicken curry that he had brought along for us

The next day we said our goodbyes to Sunil and the rest of the boys and set out to catch our next train to Khajuraho...home of the erotic temples !